she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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