Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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