is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
