I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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