I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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