I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
