You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
