I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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