Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
