she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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