We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
