the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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