She is in my trunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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