New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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