So drunk its hurt
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
