o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
