I wish I could punch you in the face.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
