Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
