this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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