so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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