the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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