i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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