What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
