Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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