we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
