My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
