I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
