Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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