He told me they were just razor bumps!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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