I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
