hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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