Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize