woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
