i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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