He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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