Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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