I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
