OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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