OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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