I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
