my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
