sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
