Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
