i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We smell like vodka and hangover
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