The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
