walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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