Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
