I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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