good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
