I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
