The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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