feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
