She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Every concussion has its silver lining
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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