Im at strip club and am horny
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
