We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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