He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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