She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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