Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
