Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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