You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My bed smells like the plague
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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